Thursday, 5 May 2011

Election Communication Manifesto

Good morning, let me introduce myself before you toss this leaflet straight into the recycling along with all the other election leaflets, flyers for fast food restaurants, etc. Pause a while and read, for you hold in your hand a communication of originality and vigour the proposals entailed within which I hope will persuade you to vote for the only candidate of true vision in this constituency, which also happens to have been my home for the past 15 years. Just 5 minutes of your time this morning could change history.

It is well known that the main problems with the United Kingdom are the overheated economies of the South East. I propose a bold and simple solution to spread the heat around the country. Westminster Parliament will be moved to Meriden, in the centre of England, or perhaps Birmingham, which has better transport links and more hotels. The queen will also move from London, to Sunderland, which will experience a boom in tourism as tourists flock to Sunderland to see the queen. London will still have the financial industry, but the centres of power will be distributed more evenly which can only be a good thing all round.

As for Scotland, the main problem is of course the Scourge of Sectarianism. The solution again has a couple of possible answers. The first is to merge Rangers and Celtic to form a single football team, Glasgow United. I don't know what colour you get when you merge red blue white and green, perhaps the strips of this new team should be brown. If this does not work, a great opportunity presents itself for Scottish independence. Like in Ireland, the sectarian part of the country - Glasgow - can be hived off so that - like Belfast - it is another country's problem. This seems to me to be the neatest solution to the thorny problem of sectarianism. Parliament will be moved from Edinburgh to Clackmannan, as we know how to run things properly here.

Although these sort of arrangements are not within the remit of Clackmannanshire Council, for which I am standing in the by-election as an independent councillor, great ideas are great ideas no matter the soil they are planted in. Change must start somewhere. Indeed with this in mind I propose we set up a forum that looks at governments all round the world and takes the best bits from each. Off the tops of my head I imagine we will want to follow the example of Sweden, with more women in Parliament, and Australia, which has pioneered duvet days. But of course there will be many other examples my forum will discover.

As far as global warming goes, the greatest threat to humanity yet, I sincerely believe you can't fight nature, she always wins in the end. Rather than creating complex schemes like carbon credits which don't work, I suggest instead growing vines and oranges, and avoiding building houses on flood plains - and if we do have to build houses on flood plains, then build them on stilts. This has the further benefit that if the climate ends up going the other way, and we get another ice age, the houses will be propped up and protected against permafrost. In fact now I think about it I believe all our houses should be on stilts, to protect against catastrophic climate change.

Health, education, roads, bins, council tax - I have no policies as these subjects are boring, there are no votes in them.

Sport and nutrition. School departments should be encouraged to hire attractive teachers of both sexes to take home economics and PE. If the teachers are good looking, then teenagers will obviously flock to their classes. If the good looking teachers in a school are say, maths teachers, they should be made to switch to Home Economics and PE. However maths teachers never are good looking so this is a moot point. People need to exercise more not just in schools, therefore all TV shown will be educational. This will bore people so much they will play sports instead. As a side benefit, if they decide to stay at home they will be well educated. It's a win-win.

A short word on my opponents in this by-election. A trade-unionist, a community activist, and a former bank manager. A vote for any of these time-served re-treads - even one cast whimsically - is utterly wasted, when you have the rare opportunity to vote instead for a genuine poet. In one word I could say what these chimp-brained automatons could not with a thousand pictures. The mere fact that they wish office should suffice to disbar them from serious consideration: I shudder at the very thought of being involved in the bearpit of politics. If I am successful, I will have to be dragged - literally dragged - into office. Consider that.

Thank you for reading my election leaflet. There are many, many more ideas and visions I have to bring to the table, but they will not fit on an A5 leaftlet, not even at 8pt Comic Sans. If you want to find them out, or require abilities and vision amongst your elected representatives, vote for me this coming May.

Yours, RC

No comments: